When Donald met St. Peter

St. Peter: Mr. Drumpf, before I tell you the results of my decision as to whether you are going to be let into heaven, I wanna ask: will you accept the results of my decision?

Donald: I have to know what it is first. I have to see it. I will leave you in suspense.

St. Peter: so you won’t accept my decision?

Donald: I’ll accept it….if I get in!!!

St. Peter: then you defy the rule of God?

Donald: There is no one in the world with more respect for God than me. believe me. believe me. you have no idea. no idea! I think God is a great guy. He created the universe and its yuuuuge. Very successful. And he is always calling me for advice and asking me for my expertise.

St. Peter: that’s not true.

Donald: you don’t know that.

St. Peter: no, I actually do.

Donald: You’re the puppet! You’re the puppet!

St. Peter: and by direct orders of God, you’re going to hell.

Donald: God is a low energy loser and Heaven is way way overrated. Believe me. You let in the bad hombres and the Muslims. And Jews….which makes sense because who else can you trust to do heaven’s accounting. Believe me. This angel I know, Lucifer, he used to live in heaven. He was not impressed. Not impressed. Believe me. Believe me. He left. And and you know what he did?

St. Peter: I know exactly what he did.

Donald: he built his own business. Very successful, very successful! You know, he helped my father and I get our start. Incredible. incredible. Calls me and asks me for advice on how he can melt the polar ice caps. Why should I care about God. I don’t know God. I’ve never met him. He doesn’t take my calls. No meetings. So you guys are going down the tubes and it’s a shame. And I’m going to build a wall and it’s going to be big. Bigger than Jesus.

St. Peter: so you think it’s better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven?

Donald: what is heaven? It’s a politically correct place with politically correct angels that are always going wah wah wah. Don’t be greedy! Don’t grab other people like you own them. Don’t use nuclear weapons. God and you and his angels are a bunch of politically correct losers. And Jesus, don’t get me started. The guy has a prostitute by his side and he won’t even make a move. And his virgin mother? Such a nasty woman. you are all nasty nasty women with nothing to lose. When I get to hell me and Satan are going to start a very very very very very very very successful business. You won’t believe it. Rosie O’Donnell.

St. Peter: Why did you say Rosie O’Donnell?

Donald: I knew you would like that awful, awful Rosie O’Donnell. Disgraceful.

St. Peter: I’m just trying to understand why you felt the need to bring her up just now.

Donald: I don’t feel the need. Rosie O’Donnell.

St. Peter: I don’t understand.

Donald: You DON’T understand. You have no idea, no idea what you don’t understand. And it t makes me very upset to say this. But I’m going to have to lock you in prison. But you wouldn’t let me in. I was very nice and I cared and you wouldn’t let me in. Who wouldn’t let a guy with fingers this big into their club? See you come at me, I come at you.

St. Peter: well, I’ve been waiting over 70 years to see this, Donald. “You’re fired.”